Skinny Dippers and a Smart Old Man

Samuel was out for a walk when it started to rain. He did not have an umbrella and he wasn't wearing a hat. His clothes were soaked yet not a single hair on his head got wet. How could this happen?

What belongs to you but others use it more than you do?

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."

"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

If you have me, you want to share me. If you share me, you haven't got me. What am I?

In what sport do the winners go backwards while losers go forwards?

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

KLEENEX:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines

Mr. Fisher is a night watchman in a large company. On a certain morning when Mr. Fisher wants to go home, his boss tells him: "I'll go for a businesstrip to Norway. Tomorrow I will depart from Heathrow airport." Mr. Fisher however advises him to take a boat. "Why should I?" asked the president. "This night I dreamed that the plane to Norway crashes, just before it will land," is the response. The president smiles first, but since he is pretty superstitious he decides to take the boat. When he arrives in Norway, he is told that the plane which he should have taken had crashed. When the president returns from the trip, he gives a big reward to Mr. Fisher and immediately fires him. Why?

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then, without pausing, he downs each one.

“Whew,” the bartender remarks, “You seem to be in a hurry.”

“You would be too if you had what I have.”

“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asks.

“Fifty cents.”

What is the difference between girls aged:

8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

If you have two coins which total 35 cents and one of the coins is not a dime, what are the two coins ?

Take away my first letter and I am unchanged;
Take away my second letter and I am unchanged;
Take away all my remaining letters and I am still unchanged!
What am I?

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having a reaction.

"Where was she bit?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole" was the reply.

"Wow!” he replied, “She must have been standing right over the hive."

I come in different shapes and sizes. Part of me are curves, others are straight. You can put me anywhere you like, but there is only one right place for me.
What am I?

I have no voice and yet I speak to you, I tell of all things in the world that people do. I have leaves, but I am not a tree, I have pages, but I am not a bride or royalty. I have a spine and hinges, but I am not a man or a door, I have told you all, I cannot tell you more. What am I?