ochoop17's Blog

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

 

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

 

"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.

 

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you’d be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

 

"Certainly." And it was done.

 

"If," said the armless man, "you’d reach in my right hand pants pocket, you’ll find the money for the beer."

 

The bartender got it.

 

"You’ve been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men’s room?"

 

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there’s one in a filling station on the corner."

I do not breathe, but I run and jump.
I do not eat, but I swim and stretch.
I do not drink, but I sleep and stand.
I do not think, but I grow and play.
I do not see, but you see me every day.

I move incessant to and fro,
Obedient to Moon and Sun,
But though I serve both high and low,
All wait on me, I wait on none.

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau Field. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste," he made his way down to the empty seat.

 

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"

 

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."

 

"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss," The other man replied, "May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

 

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Mountains will crumble and temples will fall and no man can survive its endless call.What is it?

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don't stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
Don't take extra strokes.

With no wings, I fly. With no eyes, I see. With no arms, I climb. More frightening than any beast, stronger than any foe. I am cunning, ruthless, and tall; in the end, I rule all. What am I?

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind. What am I?

What word looks the same upside down and backwards?

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Although it is neither big nor small, nor is it a liquid, solid or gas, it can be broken without being dropped. What is it?