ochoop17's Blog

I am not alive but I grow; I don't have lungs but I need air; I don't have a mouth but water kills me. What am I?

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “OK, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”

“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, “I don’t like her.”

 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

A burglar enters a house through a window, and hears someone/something say, "Jesus is watching!" the burglar gets nervous and stands perfectly still in the dark, waiting a couple minutes he hears nothing & decides to move.. Again he hears "Jesus is watching!". he see’s a parrot and asks, "Was that you" the parrot then says "Yes" the burglar, in relief.. asks the parrot, "What is your name?" the parrot says "Clarence" the burglar chuckles, "Who names their parrot Clarence?" the parrot replies, "The same idiot that names their roetweiler, Jesus"

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2 Nene,

3. Nini, 4. Nono.



What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Why wasn't Bertha put in jail after killing dozens of people?

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics.

“So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?”

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying…. “Ummmm… 22.”

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces …..”Five foot two!”

This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure or look up. “Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about 15 seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying: ”Mandy!”

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks “What were you doing when I asked you your name?”

“Ohhhh, that!” replies the blonde, “I was just running through that song,…… Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….”

What always runs but never walks, often murmurs, never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a mouth but never eats?

A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any crackers?”

The bartender says, “No.”

The duck walks out, but he walks in the next day and asks, “Got any crackers?”

The bartender says, “No.”

The duck walks out, but he walks in the following day and asks, “Got any crackers?”

The bartender says, “I told you yesterday and the day before that no! And if you ask that one more time I’ll nail your beak shut!”

The duck walks out again, but he returns the next day and asks, “Got any nails?”

The bartender says, “No.”

The duck says “Good. Got any crackers?”

What kind of running means walking?

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

“I’m 90 years old,” he says.

“Ninety!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man, “how much do I owe you?”

What happened in 1961 that will not happen again for over 4000 years?

Pregnant

A  farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the farmer asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know
how much he gets fer Howard.'

The elderly pastor was cleaning up his office one Friday morning. In the back of the office, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He showed his secretary the box to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for the last 25 years. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The secretary replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."