ochoop17's Blog

Forwards its heavy, backwards its not

A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

 

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

 

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The boss is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn’t slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at work is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time!”

For some I go fast
for others I'm slow.
To most people, I'm an obsession
relying on me is a well practiced lesson

An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking beer. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

 

So, he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

 

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

 

“How did you know?” he asks.

 

“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

Can you think of a word that changes both number and gender when you add the letter 'S'?

The Helpful Wife

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh  Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk

This is as light as a feather yet no man can hold it for long.What is it?

Girls have it but boys don't
Billy has it but kelly doesn't

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla up in the tree in his front yard. Not knowing quite what to do, he looks in the yellow pages under “Gorilla Removal Service” and sure enough finds a listing for Harry’s Ape Removal.

 

He calls up Harry and about an hour later Harry shows up with all the tools of his trade, including a pick-up truck, a pair of handcuffs, a ferociously-trained dog and a shotgun.

 

Harry then proceeds to explain the removal procedure to the man because he will need help:

 

"Now, I’m going to climb up in this tree and shake the tree until the gorilla falls out of the tree. The very instant the gorilla hits the ground, this dog is trained to rush up and bite his balls off. This will temporarily immobilize the gorilla allowing you to safely walk up and place the handcuffs on him. I’ll then get him into the truck while he’s still in a daze."

 

The man thinks about it for a moment and then asks, “Hey, what’s the shotgun for?”

 

“Oh, right,” says Harry, “occasionally when I shake the tree, the gorilla shakes back. If I fall, shoot the damn dog!”

What does a blind man see,
a deaf man hear,
and if you eat it you are sure to die?

man goes to see a psychiatrist on the recommendation of his wife. The psychiatrist starts by showing the man a series of ink blots. For each blot the doctor asks the man, "What does this remind you of?" and the man replies each time, "Sex." Finally the doctor concludes, "You're obsessed with sex." The man replies, "Well you're the one with all the dirty pictures!"

I am in Michigan and Massachusetts

In Oregon and Texas,

I am an Island,
a ship and an Indie rockband

But mostly I am John Wayne’s
first name.

 

What am I?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing.

 

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.” That’s Advertising.

 

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’s Telemarketing.

 

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me.” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That’s Customer Feedback.

Where will you always find gold?

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.

 

The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, “Why did you do that?”

 

The drunk said very apologetically, “I am so very sorry, sir. Please forgive me. I can’t help it. It’s an illness I can’t get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?”

 

The bartender answered, “Haven’t you seen anyone about this problem?”

 

The drunk replied, “I never thought of that. Maybe I will.”

 

The bartender said, “Don’t come back until you do get help,” and the drunk left.

 

About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.

 

The bartender shouted, “I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!”

 

The drunk replied, “I did. Now I don’t feel ashamed.”