ochoop17's Blog

Carlson goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

 

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

 

"We're short-handed, Carlson," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

 

"Thanks, boss," says Carlson "I knew I could count on you!"

Use the number 5 for 5 times and arrive 100.

Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

How could I place a bookbag on the floor where no one could jump over it?

The Priest's Ass

A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second. The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won. The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10. The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS They buried the bishop the next day.

A barrel of water weighs 50 pounds. What must you add to it to make it weigh 35 pounds?

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher asked, 'How many pounds?'

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.

He then asked, Anything else?

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher asked, How many?

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, That's a really smart dog you have there.

The owner said, He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key.

How much older was Vivian Vance than Lucille Ball?

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

 

The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

 

Gary says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

 

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

 

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Gary, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

 

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

 

"Then," Gary continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

 

"What if the phone was engaged?"

 

"Well in that case," persevered Gary, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

 

"What if that was vandalized?"

 

"Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill."

 

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

 

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

After teaching his class all about roman numerals (X = 10, IX=9 and so on) the teacher asked his class to draw a single continuous line and turn IX into 6.

The only stipulation the teacher made was that the pen could not be lifted from the paper until the line was complete.

O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

 

“Please God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

 I am a struggle, a fight, and a contest. My first four letters are an everyday device used for cleanliness. (6 letters)

rs. Smith, an elderly woman, went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
       
      Quite surprised, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
       
      The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
       
      The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
       
      The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

President
The 22nd and 24th presidents of the United States had the same mother and the same father, but were not brothers. How was this possible?